It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
