when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Apparently you make a good broom.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
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