I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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