The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
