so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
