I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
