I love black thongs
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
