just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
