You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
