I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
