Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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