My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
