She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing