I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
