Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
