I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
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Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
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You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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