i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
