Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
