I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
whose parrot is this?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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