and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
