There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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