Umm I'm too high to move.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
