Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
