I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
