Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
