dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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