You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I touched a dick in church today
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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