What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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