I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
