Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
There's always time for handjobs
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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