i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
