You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
