And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
