I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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