So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
