So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
