I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
