I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
