Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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