census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
