I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
