my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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