I CAN MOONWALK!
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
