this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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