I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
