I feel great
I just peed on a car
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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