why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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