I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
