im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
