I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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