I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
