If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
