Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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