thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
