i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
