Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
foreskin is a definite game changer
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
It's rum buckets o'clock
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
